Nov 18, 2010

Toothpicks, meet eyes...

I wish giving birth to a baby came with an owners manual.  Honestly, I can use one.  Motherhood had no warning: May cause extreme exhaustion after the first cutesy year of their lives. Nope, nada, none what so ever.  Although I should have known the exhaustion and frustration that motherhood sometimes causes, I didn't think of it until it hit me like a ton of bricks.  Both of my girls were perfect for the first year of their lives, actually, Alayna never hit the terrible twos until she was almost three...  She's now five and they're not gone yet.  Worst part is, her hyperactivity sometimes eggs Olivia on and makes her run around like a crazy person as well.  

When you become a mother all of your perfectionism and cleanliness goes out the window.  You may try to keep up after the kids and pick up every time they take things out and don't put them away, but it's impossible. As much as you may not believe it, you will probably end up standing in piles of toys up to your knees and completely ignoring it.  I've gotten used to wading through toys to get through to my living room or their bedroom.  It's now a part of life!  I used to be ashamed to admit, there are nights where I go to bed leaving the mess as it is.  Those are the nights I have no energy nor do I have the concern for what my home looks like.  I just want to get the hell to bed and try to get some sleep!  I figure that I will pick it up in the morning, or anytime that I have the energy to.  No one drops by my house unannounced, why should it always be clean?  

Working practically two jobs and being a single mom is even more difficult.  That's my life.  I have a full time 40 hour a week job in which I work from home.  I lock myself in a tiny room with a desk and computer for 9-12 hours a day and help other people via phones and web.  How can it be exhausting? I don't leave the house!  Well, it is.  sitting in one place and staring at a computer screen for hours is mundane and exhausting.  Even though I love my job so much, there are days that I have to fight to keep my eyes open.  There are days when I find myself getting extremely tongue tied on the phones because I can't even think straight.  Those days are the worst, they drag along.  No amount of coffee or espresso or any energy drinks can make that exhaustion go away; not even temporarily...  

Then, I have my freelancing job.  I am a freelance writer and most of that work gets pushed to the back if I'm too exhausted to stand or move at the end of the day.  Otherwise, I am usually up until 2-4 am trying to meet my deadlines and writing articles over and over until they're perfect.  If I can sleep, I get to bed at 3 or 5 am and have to be up again by 7...  (Unless it's a lucky day when my mom decides to bring Alayna to school.)  I just start the entire day all over again and hope that maybe I'll have time to take a shower, shave my legs or just breathe that day.

Being a mother is an exhausting job, but it's also very rewarding.  I love my girls and would do anything for them, and that is why I work two jobs besides my blogging.  Because I want the best for them and I know that working is the way to provide for them.  I'm not at all complaining about my jobs, I love them and feel lucky to have jobs that I enjoy... I'm complaining about the lack of sleep and "mother's burn out" that I experience almost daily.  

(Inspired by Mama Kat's prompt: Why are you burned out?)