Aug 24, 2010

Life goes on even after a tough relationship...

Many people ask me about Alayna's dad.  I usually tell them that it's a complicated situation and it really is.  It's probably one of the most complicated stories and one of the hardest stories for me to even bring up.  Whenever I do, it breaks my heart and makes me wonder what I could have done differently to change the outcome.  I know things can't change, I know the past is the past, but I have never completely gotten over the entire situation.  Healing a heart takes time.  Trusting again takes even longer.  

In 2004 I met my biological family.  To make a long story short, my sisters and I along with my brother went bowling one night.  My brother brought along a friend.

Off to college I went that August in Philadelphia.  I got a call one night from my sister.  She told me that the friend and I had met while bowling with them liked me and wanted to ask me out.  Honestly, I had been shocked.  I thought this guy was very attractive that night when I was bowling and never thought he would like me.  I never thought anyone would like me!

I started talking to him and when our Art History class went on a field trip to New York, my friend Erin and I met him and my brother in New York City.  Of course, we did the stupidest thing we could possibly do at that point and told our teacher that since it was a Friday and since I lived 20 minutes from NYC, I would just go home for the weekend with Erin and we'd take the train back on Sunday.  She agreed.

We ended up spending time with my ex and my brother that weekend.  I really got to know him and he got to know me.  It turned out that we really liked each other and wanted to keep on getting to know each other better.  They ended up driving us back to Philadelphia.

So it started -- My ex would come to Philadelphia every weekend and spend it in Philadelphia or he would drive me back to New York and would spend time at my house.  I am grateful for this because I got to know my brother better as well.  Because they were best friends, my brother would come with my ex constantly.  I do owe getting to know my brother better because of my ex... That's the only credit I will give to him. (But I digress...)

He and I had formally met on September 4th, and by October 27th he told me he loved me.  Honestly, I did feel the same.  We both agreed it was love at first sight, and I believe it was.  Even to this day I believe it was.  

I was so much in love with him and had the most wonderful relationship.  I was so happy.  At that point, he was my everything and everything I wanted in a man.  We were inseparable and did absolutely everything together.  He won my friends over, my mom over, my family over. Everyone loved him.  Mr. Charmer.

By December, he informally proposed to me.  Naturally, I accepted.  He claimed he would buy me a ring when he made enough money to pay it off.  However, we had gone to look at rings many times.

My family loved him and his loved mine.  His younger sister and I got along very well and became best friends.  My sister called him my husband and called me his wife.  Everyone saw the relationship we had and the love we had for each other.   My mom even let him sleep at our house when I was home for the weekends and for most of Winter Break.  He had become my life.  It was everything I could have ever asked for.

I got pregnant with Alayna in February of 2005.  At first things weren't going so well at that point.  When I told him, he wrote me a check and told me I had to go have an abortion.  Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am 100% against abortion.  I would never do it and I told him that I wasn't going to do it.  It took him a few days, but he eventually warmed up to the idea and told me that he was very sorry for suggesting it.  He claimed he was just in shock and scared.  Things started going better again and he and I started to look for an apartment. We started making plans for the baby.

He acted like he cared and had me fooled.  He had everyone fooled.

After I found out I was pregnant, the school gave me the option of finishing the year or taking a family leave.  I figured since I was an art major, was around paint and charcoal fumes, it would be better to take a leave.  I also chose that so I wouldn't be apart from my ex.  We had a plan that I would go back to school when the baby was old enough.  That was decided when my school said they would hold my full scholarship for 5 years.  I believed every word.  I was hooked.

Fast forward -- I'm 6 months pregnant.  My pregnancy with Alayna wasn't easy.  I had bad morning sickness, migraines, I miscarried a twin, I had gestational diabetes, pre eclampsia and in many cases, I was on and off bedrest because of my blood pressure.  His caring slipped farther and farther away.  Like caring for me actually was too much of a chore.

One day, my birth mom called telling me my ex was cheating  on me.  She saw him on numerous occasions with another woman.  That tore my heart out. It hurt than worse than any physical injury.  The love of my life was a liar and a cheat.

When I confronted him, he turned defensive denying everything and ordered me to limit contact with my family and friends.  He said they were brain washing & controlling me.  He turned very verbally abusive and even more so than he had been before.

The truth was HE was brainwashing me for as long as we were dating.  I was just too blind to see and my best friend is the one who hit the nail on the head early on with telling me she had a bad feeling.  I should have believed her.  She knows me better than anyone else and I should have trusted her and what she said to me.  Instead, she and I argued. 

Because of his abuse, I made the hardest decision to let him go.  To try to get on by myself.  It is the first parental decision I ever made and did for my daughter.