Jun 10, 2010

Before I was a mom...

Mama's Losin' It

Before I was a mom I was very irresponsible and selfish.  My own mother and I never got along, and I now realize that was because I was a disrespectful little bitch person as a teenager.  I wanted what I wanted and if I didn't get it...watch out! I never understood why she was so overprotective of me and swore that she was just doing it because she hated me.  I felt uncool and actually was uncool.  I never fit in anywhere or with anyone, but I tried like hell.  I would have done absolutely anything to try to fit in, and I probably did. 

I would spend money frivolously like I could just pick more off of the big money tree.  I spent on my credit cards like there was an endless flow of money at the other end.  Being at the mall was dangerous for me because I would end up leaving with more than I could actually afford.  Shopping has always been my downfall.....  Just as drugs or alcohol are terrible addictions; mine was shopping.  I never thought of the consequences of my actions and never thought of anyone but myself.  (Ok, maybe sometimes I did...)

Before I was a mom I had a lot of time to perfect my craft.  I was an artist and I would stay up for hours working on one painting.  When I started a painting, getting up to go to the bathroom, get something to eat, getting something to drink, getting up to walk around, those were all things that weren't on my mind.  Once I was in "the zone", unless someone reminded me I should get up and eat or walk around, I wouldn't.  I was a perfectionist and I had to just finish "a little bit more" before I finally got up.  I had a great concentration span and would sit there until the wee hours of the morning to try to finish or perfect my piece.  
Going to the gym was important to me.  I would get up early and get to the gym before I did anything else.  If I couldn't get to the gym, I'd walk around town to get where I had to go.  Well, I also didn't have a car.  On foot was the only way I could have gotten to most places!  I didn't complain about walking and actually loved it.  Exercise made me feel renewed and refreshed.

Before I was a mom I'd lie to my mom continuously.  I would go out with guys and tell her I was elsewhere.  I knew that she would get mad at me or wouldn't let me go if I told her where I was really going.  I never cared that she had no idea where I really was and never answered any of her continuous calls when I wasn't home on time.  I always wondered why she didn't trust me and thought I was doing everything right.

I never realized how incomplete my life was before I was a mom.  I thought I could do anything and I probably could have.  I thought everything was perfect when I was going out with friends and guys, disrespecting my mom, lying to her and talking about her behind her back.  I thought shopping WAS my life and thought spending money was something everyone did the same way that I did.  I was completely wrong.

It's amazing how having a baby can change your life in an instant.  The second I found out I was pregnant with DD1, it was like a polar opposite within a few minutes.  I instantly felt this responsibility and love for someone other than myself.  I felt this immense maturity come over me and realized that my life was now for someone else.  It's so true... I live for my children.  They are my reason for life.  I will do anything for them, and I do.  

Shopping is so different now.  Of course, I do buy things for myself, and I am still a shopping addict, except I'm a shopping addict for my children and I do make wiser choices. (Though difficult!)  I would rather buy something for my girls than for myself.  If it's a choice between the both, I would always put mine back and choose theirs.  That is something that I never thought I would do, if you had asked me as a teenager.

Being a mom changes everything and it changes everything for the better.  All of the good times outweigh the struggles and complications.  Once you see your kids' smiles, it's all worth it. :)