Mar 28, 2010

Sometimes I feel like it's never enough...

I love my mom, I really do.  Even though as I was growing up as a teenager my mom and I had terrible arguments that neither of us won.  I may have, on many occasions, said those three words that come out of EVERY teenager's mouth at least once in their lives, "I hate you."  Of course, she never took it seriously, but it's part of a teenage battle with your mom, right?  

I owe my life to my mom.  She adopted me when I was a month old and I owe everything to her for giving me a better life.  Even so, sometimes I get so frustrated with her.  I feel like whatever I do is never enough.  I try so hard and feel it goes unrewarded.  Sometimes I long to hear, "You did good" or "Thank you, Kristin..." from her... It happens occasionally, but it's not something I hear often.

My mom has known that since my kids were born I have been battling on/off depression.  Sometimes it causes me to be completely overwhelmed and sometimes I have great days where it never bothers me.  Yes, I have seeked help from a counselor, but felt it was useless to my situation.  My mom knows all of this, and yet she still knows what buttons to press to drive me absolutely insane.  I know that she does sometimes do it purpously, even though she really isn't a bad person.

For the past week I have been trying to take cleaning and organizing little by little.  I have been accomplishing a lot, but because the kids need me, I can't do it all at once.  I also get very overwhelmed and frustrated when I am trying to clean something and it starts to look worse than look like I am accomplishing everything.  Yesterday, when Olivia was at her dad's, however, I really accomplished a lot.  I put my mind to cleaning and organizing the living room and it acually looked great.  I promised myself I would clean their room today and organize their clothes.

This morning comes and I have terrible cramps.  I couldn't even move when I woke up this morning.  I took a Midol and tried to start organizing the kids' room.  I did tackle the closet and I organized a lot of the clothes into garage sale and save for next year boxes too.  However, the floor is still a mess because I had to put boxes of other things temporarily in the middle of the room.  My mom sees this and starts to get mad at me.  Even after I explained to her that my cramps were so bad I could barely stand, and I asked her to help me watch the kids while I lay down for an hour, she starts yelling at me and telling me that cramps are no excuse to be lazy.  She doesn't understand the severity of my cramps.

As a teenager I used to have to miss two days of school each month because of my cramps.  They were so terrible I'd nearly throw up, get terrible headaches and not be able to move with the cramps.  It was like that until I had Alayna.

After Alayna was born, I had no cramps or problems at all.  The doctors reasoning is that my uterus was tipped and that's the reason I was having so much pain.  Because something was abnormal.  After she was born, it corrected itself and the cramps were gone.  I actually had no problems, no nausea, just some headaches and my PMS anger! lol 

When Olivia was born and my cycle started again, the cramps got even worse than when I was in high school.  My doctor said that after every pregnancy cycles are a lot different.  It could be because the second pregnancy tipped my uterus again or it could be another reason.  The pain isn't as bad as it was right after Olivia was born, but it's still very painful.  I still can hardly more or walk for the first two days because of the severe pain.  My mom knows this and uses it against me when she gets frustrated.  Those two days are the only days I ever ask her for help.  She just doesn't seem to appreciate all I do for her.  I buy her groceries, I keep my place clean, I ask her for help only when I need it, and when she does babysit, I am forever grateful and do give her something for it.  

Sometimes I feel like Im worth more than the way she treats me, and I wish she understood better.